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  • Writer's pictureCile

I'm Still Standing

We make decisions everyday. So many decisions...I made the decision to ask for my children back to start over in California. The odds of this going in my favor were very slim and yet I was granted this for the asking. It was the correct thing to do and while it scared me to try again I knew in my heart that I needed to do it for both myself and the boys. This particular decision turned me right side up and on my feet. I like to think it was of value to my sons, as well. This audio file is the story of how that reversal of fortune came about via a clown school called, at the time The Carlo Mezzoni Clementi School of Mime and Comedy.

Thank you for listening.

Different Ways: Revealing the Feminine, I'm Still Standing, Chapter 17, pp. 121-125

Because of my nature, it is my challenge to balance the light and the darker aspects of my personality. Doing this while trying to raise my sons was a challenge. I sometimes failed but also, I sometimes succeeded. I was now able to utilize the tools that were newly available through the hard work of those in the sciences and in activism; those who pioneered new ideas and perspectives. I learned to take myself back and choose differently; take myself back from situations that were forced upon me, that I inherited, or were adopted by me in desperation to survive. This information and these tools and services were not applied or accessible to me before this time.

I never really believed any person should have to choose between a passionate life and a dependable life to be safe in the world as it was presented to me. Neutralizing that energy and pulling it into the collective reality so it can replace dysfunction and fear is composing love. In this I made a song for myself.

Music: I swim with this Santana/Everlast tune a lot. It reminds me of how far I've traveled and under what kinds of circumstances I have weathered. In the video we see the drama of young desire that is so prevalent with those who struggle with trying to reconcile these polarities. It takes a lot of strength to stand within our own skin and be authentic, vulnerable, and present. There can be abuse, many falls and much breakage.

There's a darkness

Living deep in my soul

It's still got a purpose to serve

So let your light shine

Deep into my home

God, don't let me lose my nerve

Don't let me lose my nerve

Put Your Lights On, Santana/Everlast

Thank you for joining me here. The memoir Different Ways: Revealing the Feminine can be purchased through my website using a link to Village Books at There will soon be an eBook version available with an independent retailer. The e-book on Amazon is a bit of a mess but free if you are a Kindle member. Don't buy it. Parts are missing.

The BlogCast that outlines my intentions for this series of readings from my book, Different Ways, Revealing the Feminine can be found here in the post, Between the Lines.


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