Tom Jacobs. A Year Later.

Thank you to Ella Perrigrin for connecting me to this Vermeer painting, "The Astronomer", that bears such a striking resemblance to Tom.

It has been a year since Tom died unexpectedly on winter solstice 2024 and it has been a year of a myriad of feelings and thoughts on the matter of his exit for me. I have weathered a scope of everything from deep sorrow and confusion to resentment and rage of spiritual abandonment over his death. All the while understanding from the teachings that Tom brought, that each sweep of every reaction was an opportunity for barriers and constructs to inform me of my choices. Each was a dose of medicine to heal and help me go forward. This was a hard, hard year without Tom being available as I came to expect and rely upon him. It felt as if I traversed it through quicksand.

Opportunities of new choices were to be made. No one gets out of this life alive but you can get out of this life not learning a fucking thing that you intended or taking a pass on that invitation that begs, at the very least, a deep, discerning think. Tom courageously picked up that challenge to be something beyond not only expectations but beyond possibility and he marched forth openhearted and unwavering in his sense of purpose undeterred. Clearly his deep need to help people be more present and openhearted in their lives allowed him to cultivate skills that most of us cannot even fathom. Not everyone wants to be present or wants to peer into – or even hear about – the scope of human possibilities.

I made a video that I posted on my YouTube channel shortly after hearing about his death last year. It is called "Finding Tom Jacobs". It still moves me into a deep sadness to listen to it as I recall the acute sorrow I felt at the time. Everything I said in the video still reigns true to me. Higher Self Protocol for the most part dissipated with Tom moving on but a good idea and a human need to live beyond duality will persevere. It was introduced and it will find another sponsor. Love will find a way to lay this important groundwork for people who want to break the fourth wall, so to speak, to regulate their energy and engage in personally solicited counsel.

I was not a confidant of Tom’s though we clearly recognized each other. I know little about him as this personality, in truth. It was Tom’s work that resonated deeply with me. It was his transparent way with his work and how it resonated in me that found easy access to my understanding and remembering my life in new ways. He helped me remain upright as I stood in terror in the shadow of publishing my memoir. I trusted him and I thought there was time enough to solve peripheral mysteries. There wasn’t. Whatever I thought I was bring forward to share of value to him dissolved upon his departure. I was abandoned in this regard but not without tools. I gained skills of perception and confidence. I learned to read into a zodiacal map, connected with valuable friendships, and moved into a greater understanding of what I feel tasked to explore. I came to recognize that I have all the things and that they were just shuffled into a different order of appearance when Tom died. I lost nothing, really, but a future that held possibilities of a clearer connection and the relief and comfort that I felt in his presence. My twisting in the wind of grief has been all time well spent being a human work in progress. This grief process was my way to recognize a deep appreciation of how Tom invited me to witness how love moves in this world and how my choices arrange how I move with it. That is no small gift and no small responsibility. I'm blessed.

This song, Tree Branch In Moonlight by Louis Ledford had been a favorite of mine musically for many years and it rotated up recently repeatedly as I was thinking about Tom. This sparse rendition employs a tenderness of contemplation and recognition; something I got to enjoy for a few years with Tom when he was embodied. There is even an abrupt line that holds mystery built into it at the end of the song that captures the sadness of running out of time; a now recognizable theme of my life. I include it here to compliment this post.

Thank you for reading and listening.

Cile