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  • Writer's pictureCile

The Crack in the Glass, Part Two

Disco the last resort for homicidal maniacs.

I set out on my run away from the threat of domestication with the idea that I was saving the lives of my children by removing myself from their care. I scared myself with the visit with the dark night of my soul that I had experienced just a few weeks before leaving my kids. I was terrified of what I might do so I took myself to live on the streets of Portland, Oregon. There, over the next year I would act out various fears to avoid my obsessions and running into human beings with sharp objects. Leaving off the latter being a sort of gift to the world, as I saw it. I never developed a taste for the slasher film genre but that didn't stop me from having to carry the cold Plutonian astrological signature.

The thing about doing things to find relief is that, while it affords room to breathe, it is a far cry from from finding peace. I was living the symptom and I was still far from understanding the source of my despair or disease. Consequently, there was much tail chasing done. It would be many years from this time of my life before I got a clue as to how these choices would grind me down. In the meantime, I danced.

Thank you for listening.

Different Ways, Chapter 15 , The Crack in the Glass, Part Two , pp. 111-115.

Music, movement and dancing has always been an important part of my being able to enjoy living. During this time of my life, while I pretended to enjoy myself, it actually helped me survive by providing and imaginary safe place. With the other choices being sex. alcohol or drugs, I think I actually made out pretty well choosing dancing as my jam.

Of note here, pertaining to reflecting upon those times and these times and what matters and what essentially doesn't matter a fig: The very serious (at the time) contention of rock and roll "purists" and what they predicted was the ruin of the entire baseline of music due to disco was borderline violent. I mean you think the red and blue contention in this country is polarizing? This was a HUGE pop culture issue at the time. I mention it here because, one, what most of us grasp regarding music is, essentially, puny and to make such statements and invest SO much energy into such hatred is worth noting. I would just like to say that it is not so different as we subjectively view and experience American politics. The issue of freedom and liberation is an issue way larger than our ideas of it. There is much to live and wince through as politicians offend our sensibilities but when we turn to hatred and design hateful movements and invest in hateful ideals, we are not serving the reality of the situation. We can choose allowing differences to sprout and then roll over with neglect to die their natural death while not rolling over ourselves as victims and resorting to hating. Trends and issues will pass or evolve as disco did to move on to new sounds, enthusiasms and liberties. Keeping a perspective is a super power.

Music: I was inhabited by devils! This song. I danced it but didn't really hear what I was dancing to in the context that I needed to until years later.

What I was doing:

What I thought I was doing:

Thank you for joining me here. The memoir Different Ways: Revealing the Feminine can be purchased through my website using a link to Village Books at There will soon be an eBook version available with an independent retailer. The e-book on Amazon is a bit of a mess but free if you are a Kindle member. Don't buy it. Parts are missing.

The BlogCast that outlines my intentions for this series of readings from my book, Different Ways, Revealing the Feminine can be found here in the post, Between the Lines.


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