Different Ways #24, Chapter 4, A Little Knowledge, Part One
For most of my adult life - after I was treated for the trauma of child molestation - I was under the impression that I was good and the person who hurt me was bad. I found out later, as I matured, that the truth was actually: I did good thing in caring enough for myself to surrender to treatment and the person who hurt me as a child chose to do a bad thing.
This may seem like the same thing but it isn't. The difference is fundamental to my belief. People fuck up and make bad choices and if they are never released from the burden of others for blame, they can never change or transform into someone who makes better choices. What's more, their choice remains fixed into this dimension - often into the victim - and it grows legs, so to speak. It goes viral, is another way to put it. It is fed by a constant stream of anxiety and fear supporting fear's byproduct, hate.
The predator may go through their life and never recognize their ways but it is not contingent upon the victim to maintain the fear and hatred to keep it alive with blaming them and living their lives in the shade of constantly reacting to the mistreatment. What IS necessary is recovery. The victim can chose to regain their power in whatever way that takes form in their lives. This often takes their entire lifetime to transform themselves from victim, to survivor, then to who they need to be in the world. Such is the magnitude and impact of this violation. On the bright side, this success of personal empowerment also has the immense impact of the medicine that dis-empowering someone else's bad choice brings into the world; into this dimension where we can use it to evolve away from more bad choices of the same nature. It is not about who we are it is about what we do with who we are that makes and supports love or generates fear and despair.
The trajectory of my life was deeply effected by being violated as a child. In reading this aloud a little further down the line from the initial writing of the book in 2018, I recognize an understatement. You could say I didn't see the depth of the issue then as I do now. I am finding that I am a difficult student. I trust no one, including myself. I can learn but it is an exhausting battle. I'm not inclined to open up to being taught anything. My enjoyment in learning is completely derailed. I still must return again and again for repairs.
These are trust issues that have surfaced that I see as a direct result from this initial betrayal by my teacher. Distrust has robbed me of my enthusiasm. Trauma, like grief, has layers and time is a spiral. This is another layer to look at with my aging eyes and broader understanding. Fortunately, I have some mad alchemy skills. These issues are deep and go beyond simply a personal problem when one steps out into a larger dispensation of life (like my chatting up the internets). It merges with the larger healing that awaits.
I've lived long enough to find some greater understanding regarding what at first appeared as a gross injustice imposed upon an innocent. Suffice it to say at this juncture that these times in the world demand some big changes and, I believe, on some level, we all signed up to help in any way possible. That includes revealing social hidden injustices that have gone too long uncorrected. Often revelation will throw someone or something under the collective bus. Frankly, sometimes that is a child and many times those children do not survive but leave us with the weight of their unjust demise. Love, trust and the ability to forgive enables something that is benevolent that sleeps within the heart of humanity. Forgiveness goes a long way in alleviating the numbers of these victims. Though it sounds counter-intuitive, it is not really because one can only get to true forgiveness through the galvanizing heat of feeling that hate burn through to one's very essence. Make no mistake, forgiveness is not for the fragile. It is for those who walk through the fire to redeem themselves.
It is said that we cannot fight hate with hate. Very little is said about what we use instead of hate that is within our arsenal. Sometimes all we can do is say no when we are inclined to fight or feel safe and agree. This is what we do: We resist the temptation to hide in a false sense of safety to avoid choosing rightly. Then we cry out until we are spent; we cry out until we can find that benevolence within us...and then we work with that.
This clip from the film Ghandi made in 1982 speaks loudly on how one transforms hate. We all have some blood on our hands and we all can help wash away the stain -that is - transform and heal poor choices. We do that by facing the worst with forgiveness.
[If you are triggered over hearing about the violation of children, you might want to pass on this audio file.]
Thank you for listening.
Different Ways, Chapter 4, A Little Knowledge, Part One, pp. 37-42
Music: What can I say? I love this song and the presentation of this video. It applies here. Our bodies are generally 60% water and the earth itself is about 71%. I hear this song and it reminds of the redemptive nature of that element in my life. I knew this creatively as a child. Bodies know this healing. As the Lakota say, "Mni Wiconi".
Waking up dry, waking up dusty
Feeling remorse, feeling thirsty
Bring me a cup, bring me water
We can ascend from this arrangement
We can see fate as entertainment
Bring me a cup, bring me water
Bring me water
Thank you for joining me here. The memoir Different Ways: Revealing the Feminine can be purchased through my website using a link to Village Books at AlltheDifferentWays.com. There will soon be an eBook version available with an independent retailer. The e-book on Amazon is a bit of a mess but free if you are a Kindle member.
The BlogCast that outlines my intentions for this series of readings from my book, Different Ways, Revealing the Feminine can be found here in the post, Between the Lines.