The Big Love. My mother, my ally. She didn't look the heroine. She didn't do grand things in a dramatic way. She didn't make or seek sweeping accomplishments. She fumbled around working with what she had and chose to try admirably to do what was expected of her. She never loved me less for anything I did or was. I wish I could say the same but that is not true. I found a letter after she died that I wrote my mother brutally criticizing and blaming her. She never did such a thing to me beyond the random noting of my weight that was really more of her cataloging my changes since she'd seen me last than anything to do with evaluating me as a person. She certainly was disappointed in me a time or two but never ever mean to me. She had a big heart and a deep desire to know and live by a higher love. She was religious - not a fanatic but better stated - she was a seeker of spiritual wisdom and a guidance she only sometimes was able to connected to.
I stand here in the wake of our lives together knowing that we were here to help each other in this life. I know what I loved of her is in all I do but I miss how she envisioned me in her world. I miss her hugs.
Thank you for listening.
Different Ways Excerpts: The Alchemy of Saturn Said Jupiter, Chapter 27, pp. 223-228
Music: This song actually represents something to me that my mother and I shared. We would disappear. She went the way of depression and was sometimes unavailable to us kids. I did that and I abandoned my sons physically when it got too much. I bolted. My mother ran to an unshakable God and I searched the stars both popular and celestial, seeking the pattern of a larger and more meaningful version of life to interact with. To be a kid on the receiving end of a parent that cannot hold steady the center of a situation and who has a thousand and one ways to dodge what needs to be done must be hell. It is hell to love someone you cannot rely upon. This song reminds me of all of that. Every time I hear it, I'm reminded of how inspirational and sweeping and yet so damnably difficult love in relationships can be. I was blessed with not only two bright and loving human beings as sons but also I was given two allies who, even though they were treated poorly, chose a benevolent response regarding my shortcomings. This book is done and here for anyone to find and this song...it is dedicated to my sons and the miracle of how we all find each other in spite of the odds because of what is in our hearts.
More about this song by the artist here.
Thank you for joining me here. The memoir Different Ways: Revealing the Feminine can be purchased through my website using a link to Village Books at AlltheDifferentWays.com. There will soon be an eBook version available with an independent retailer. The e-book on Amazon is a bit of a mess but free if you are a Kindle member. Don't buy it. Parts are missing in the E-Book.
The BlogCast that outlines my intentions for this series of readings from my book, Different Ways, Revealing the Feminine can be found here in the post, Between the Lines.