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  • Writer's pictureCile

Behind the Mask

Updated: Jan 9, 2022

Different Ways #28, Chapter 6, Behind the Mask

Middle school, also known as Junior High school by some. There are few things more awkward than finding oneself navigating being a child trapped in an adult body that wants nothing more that to be left alone to burst out, blossom and procreate. My reaction to this overwhelming confusion of feels and their obvious complications and terrifying consequences was to imagine myself invisible.

I had learned at an early age how to leave my body when I was frightened and confused. I'd simply try to forget about whatever awkwardness that happened or was going on when I felt that way. Consequently it is hard for me to say really how others saw or felt about how I responded to them. I could tell when someone cared for me but I could never really decipher how to react before I became sexually active. Once that happened, then I knew what was expected of me and I could hide there - with boys, anyway. It worked very well for all the wrong reasons.

Delusion was strong in me. I have the mark of it in my life. I can be frighteningly unrealistic and simple or superbly psychic and intuitive. Mostly as a teen I was a freak of nature and obtuse. It was painful because I really WAS present though I pretended not to be. I was hurting and I hurt others. Bottom line, I may as well have been a junkie. It is the same principle of addictive abandon disguising the need for connection that was fighting for control in me. This is what my teen years were teaching me.

I may have been seen all too clearly by many but the only one I recall affectionately who actually connected with me was Bill. He was called Jelly Legs but I couldn't call him that. I called him Bill or, privately, Guillaume. His words, his ideas and his voice unlocked me releasing me from childhood giving me a glimpse of a larger and exciting world. I carried the weight of my reaction to that fateful encounter like a crucible through decades of my life. It served a deep and abiding purpose as that connection later proved pivotal for me spiritually.

Different Ways, Chapter 6, Behind the Mask, pp. 53-58.

Music: When I first saw this video it took me right back to middle school with Bill. Hawksley Workman reminds me of how I remember Bill's presence; energized, unfiltered and unapologetic. He was a GEMINI and carried the pure velocity of Mercury! He had an electrical and kinetic force about he knew, as Workman states in this song, "it is all just a dream". And Bill, too, was lured by stripes...they ARE magnetic, after all.

May all your dreams be ever wet

And all your stumbles heaven sent

It all feels like we lost a bet

It was just a dream

Just a dream

Thank you for joining me here. The memoir Different Ways: Revealing the Feminine can be purchased through my website using a link to Village Books at There will soon be an eBook version available with an independent retailer. The e-book on Amazon is a bit of a mess but free if you are a Kindle member.

The BlogCast that outlines my intentions for this series of readings from my book, Different Ways, Revealing the Feminine can be found here in the post, Between the Lines.


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